December 24, 2002

Web Blah-g

So where have I been? Eight days without writing anything, probably the longest I’ve gone without since I started this gig. Well, I don’t have any exciting stories to tell, just the crushing weight of everyday life. I feel like I’ve been dropped off the edge of the Earth, bounced around the rings of Saturn, and sent to Pluto without a parka. I’ve been going to bed late and getting up early and running around in between. In short – Christmas Time!

Everyone else is just as busy as I am, I’m sure, and probably moreso. But they all seem to handle it differently. People still find the time and energy to write through all of it, and while I may have had the time here and there, I certainly haven’t have the energy. My brain responds to times like these by shutting down; probably not the most helpful thing, but it’s what happens. A fog descends over my thoughts, and creativity is choked off. All production stops. My brain can still consume the ideas of others, but it’s not able to produce its own.

I have one of those lives that looks good on the surface but is tarnished and rusted underneath. I live in a decent house, but I don’t own it and the cats pee on the carpet. I have a good-paying job, but I have credit card debts that take half my pay. I have a gorgeous wife, with cerebral palsy and clinical depression. It’s not that I’m not complaining; I have a good life, but every little thing has a good side that keeps me going and a dark side that gnaws away at me, until my spirit is worn down to a stubby little knob. I’ll keep going — I’m always an optimist, I know things will get better, and I cling to that good side like a barnacle. But when that dark side really gets to chewing on me, my brains curls up and plays dead. I guess it’s a defense mechanism — better to be catatonic than let the depression swallow you.

So some days I’m okay, and some days I’m a zombie. And there’s just been a lot of zombie days these last couple of weeks. So – very little writing. I keep thinking that one day I’ll wake up and it will all be gone – the fatigue, the brain fog – and all that will be left will be creativity, productivity, firing synapses, thought and ideas. I’ll be able to write, I’ll be able to come up with new ideas and designs for this site, I’ll feel inspired all the time – it’ll be like it should.

Until then, though, I’m working on four hours of sleep, the house is still a mess, and we have every living relative in the state coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow. I think my brain is going to take a nap now.

Filed under The Computer Vet Weblog

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